


Take this lonely heart

by Tchell1



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Even is not in a good place, Fluff and Angst, Isak loves Even, M/M, Tried to call you. Hope you’re okay. Give me a sound when you feel like it ❤️, after 3.08, depressed character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-08
Updated: 2016-12-08
Packaged: 2018-09-07 07:59:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8789902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tchell1/pseuds/Tchell1
Summary: The tears would not stop. They had kept coming since Even realized what had happened. Even was not normal. His terrible brain would highjack his body and do with it whatever it wanted.  Isak would never love him. Even couldn’t even blame him. Even was never able to love himself.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Even is depressed and most of his feeling and thoughts reflect that. His thinking process is not healthy.  
> There are different ways of portraying bipolar disorder and I don't mean to offend anyone, but if anything in here is triggering, please let me know and I'll tag it accordingly.
> 
> Translation to Russian by AmyLerman here: https://ficbook.net/readfic/5050625

Even has left his bed exactly six times since he came back home. Every other hour he was under his covers trying to cope with what happened. Lying on his side, looking at the wall, he was helpless to deal with the situation. His brain had not stopped screaming at him once and he hated how easily he could become hostage in his own body.

 

He sent the first message to Isak, the song in which he poured all his love as soon as he had gotten back home. He was so out of it, naked as the day he was born and so full of love, nothing mattered besides telling the boy he loved how much Isak meant to him. He was so certain Isak was going to reply back with a soft declaration.

 

**Hi Even. I don't understand anything right now. Stop texting me**

 

That was his first clue something wrong had happened that night. Reality crashed fast after. He was in the middle of an episode and he had left Isak alone in a hotel room.

 

Even hid his face on his pillow and screamed, hurt and frustrated by his own action that night. How could he have been so careless? How could he have been so irresponsible?

 

 **I’m better off not having mentally ill people in my life** , Isak had told him once. Even knew that and chose to ignore the warnings.

 

Even sobbed and cried _and it was not fair_. It was so not fair that the most amazing boy in the world would want Even but only if he was not manic. Isak wanted the Even he met, the Even that was smooth and funny and carefree. The Even that was normal.

 

The tears would not stop. They had kept coming since Even realized what had happened. Even was not normal. His terrible brain would highjack his body and do with it whatever it wanted.  Isak would never love him. Even couldn’t even blame him. Even was never able to love himself.

 

____***____

 

Isak had asked Even to stop texting him and Even did exactly that. He stopped all communications and left the amazing boy alone. He had his heart in pieces and all he could think as was that Isak must be even worse than him.

 

Sonja, bless her confused heart, did everything she could to help. She visited every day and spent hours and hours talking to non-responsive Even. She brought food and water and books and tried watching movies with him.

 

Even kept crying and crying and not even once his brain would let him forget how he had deceived, mistreated and hurt Isak.

 

“You need to let it go, Even.” Sonja had said to him, eyes huge and sad. Even could see her frustration with his inability to take control of his life.

 

All Even could do was curl up tighter and turn to the wall again. How he wished he could be more of the person Sonja wanted him to be.

 

He heard Sonja sigh and mentally sent her an apology.

 

“Make sure you take your medication.”  She finally said in a soft voice “You need to stop behaving like this. It’s time you stop acting as a child.” She told him and left the room.

 

Even closed his eyes in betrayal. _I can’t help myself!! I don’t want to be like this!!_ Was all Even could think. His thoughts and ideas were starting to became erratic again and he could not stop it. He felt everything and nothing and his body would not move and _why the hell he was such a freak?!?_ He just wanted to be normal.

 

He just wanted to be with Isak.

 

His phone started ringing. From his place on the bed, Even saw Isak’s name flash on the screen.

 

 _Oh, no_ , He thought. This was it. Isak finally gathered enough courage to break up with him.

 

Even tried controlling his breathing, his sobs started again.

 

_I can’t deal with this._

 

With trembling hands, Even disconnected the call.

 

___***___

 

**Tried to call you. Hope you’re okay. Give me a sound when you feel like it** **❤** **️**

 

Even read the message again.

 

**Tried to call you. Hope you’re okay. Give me a sound when you feel like it** **❤** **️**

 

And again.

 

**Tried to call you. Hope you’re okay. Give me a sound when you feel like it** **❤** **️**

 

His hands were trembling and nothing made sense. Isak, as Even already suspected, wanted to get in touch with Even. Even did not want Isak to talk to him. It would make all this nightmare real. Isak would break up with him and would call him a liar and a freak. Isak would never want to talk to him again.

 

_Why the hell did Isak put a heart at the end?_

 

Even was so confused and so tired. That heart made no sense. That heart was a typo, there was no other explamation.

 

Even let the phone go and cried again.

 

 **And you would think this was a Romeo and Juliet reference, but it is not! This is a Pretty Woman Reference.** , Even had said to Isak in the middle of a manic episode.

 

How Even wished Isak would save him.

 

___***___

 

Even opened his eyes when he heard his door being opened. He sighed.

 

“Sonja, please, I just can’t-” he started saying without turning from the wall.

 

“I’m not Sonja” came a soft reply.

 

_Isak._

 

Even closed his eyes again, curling up tighter.

 

“Even?” Isak asked.

 

_Please go away._

 

The tears were a given. Even could not go one hour without crying and now, Isak was here, in his room, in the middle of his mess of terrible drawings and manic-depressive episodes.

 

“Please, talk to me.” Isak tried again.

 

Even sobbed and shook his head, denying everything that was happening.

 

A gentle touch on his head made him blink. Isak was caressing him.

 

_I don’t deserve you._

 

“Talk to me, love.” Isak said again.

 

And the thing about Isak? Was that Even was helpless around him. Even would do anything Isak asked.

 

“I’m so sorry.” Even finally whispered.

 

He heard Isak sigh softly and felt a pang on his heart.

 

“I don’t… I don’t understand a lot” Isak said very gently “But I wanted to talk to you.”

 

Even slowly turned his body to Isak. The boy was on his tip toes, his hand still on Even’s hair. Isak had never been more beautiful.

 

“I never meant to hurt you.”  Even whispered “I just- things got out of control.”

 

Isak closed his eyes. Even knew this could not be a good sign.

 

“My mom has a mental illness.” Isak said. Even had thought his heart could not hurt more, but it seems it would not stop breaking. He knew Isak had trouble with his mother; he knew Isak had been hurt by that and all even did was make it worse.

 

He blinked and a few more tears fell from his eyes.

 

“I’m so sorry.”  Even said again because at this point there was nothing else he could do.

 

Isak just looked at him, studying the pathetic view Even made; lying depressed and weak on his bed.

 

Out of nowhere, Isak’s lip curled in a small smile.

 

“My mom is ill.” Isak said again “And Magnus mom is bipolar.”  He completed suprising Even with this new information. Even saw Isak taking a deep breath before continuing “I could never be with my mother without shouting at her. But Magnus mom is awesome.” Isak kept going, his hand, still on Even’s hair, moving back and forth “It took me a while but I think- I think me not being able to live with my mom has more to do with the fact that I was very ignorant and she was unable to explain herself. It has more to do with us being terrible at communicating less to do with the fact that she is ill.” Isak finished.

 

Even could not help the way his eyes widened.

 

“… what?” Even asked in a whisper.

 

Isak smiled gently.

 

“You see, Magnus mom is great. She never tried to hide the way she is. She also never introduced herself as a mentally person. She is just she.”

 

Even really tried, but he could not understand what Isak was saying, because it seemed to Even Isak was saying there was nothing wrong with being bipolar and that, by itself, did not make any sense.

 

“I don’t understand.” Even finally said.

 

Isak nodded. Even saw Isak eye’s looking at his room, at all his ugliness and felt his anxiety raising again.

 

“Can I climb up?” Isak said before Even could do anything else.

 

The anxiety abruptly stopped.

 

“If you want to.”  Even replied carefully.

 

Isak studied him for a few seconds. All Even could do was let him. He had caused Isak enough hurt.

 

Isak must have found what he needed because he suddenly raised himself into Even’s bed. He moved behind Even and Even felt Isak’s arms surrounding him. Even let out a relived breath. It had been so long since he felt the amazing boy near him.

 

“I never wanted to hurt you.” Even whispered.

 

He felt Isak kissing his head from behind.

 

“You know… in all the universes, I don’t think there isn’t any Isak that did not fell in love with an Even.” Isak whispered. “There is no universe where an Even did not save an Isak” he continued. Even felt tears again, his heart was beating fast, Isak was carefully mending it back together. “And an Isak that did not save an Even right back” Isak concluded gently.

 

Even felt his heart resurrect from the dark place it had taken refuge. He let out a wet sob. Isak was giving back to Even all he thought he had lost.

 

“You cannot save me from my illness.”  Even said because he felt he need to point that out.

 

Isak snorted.

 

“Your illness is not the villain in this story, Evy.” Isak said, turning Even to him. When Even was looking at Isak’s face, Isak continued “Loneliness and Sadness were. You and and I? We will never be lonely again.”  Isak kissed him softly on Even’s surprised lips.

 

As soon as the kiss finished, Isak raised his hand, caressing Even’s lower lip softly, his eyes shining in adoration. Isak was the most beautiful thing Even had ever seen.

 

“The man of my life.” Isak said gently. “How could I have been so lucky?”

 

 


End file.
